The Power Found In "Loss"

As long as there has been competition, there have been winners and losers.

After all, isn't that the essential by-product of competition? We train...we practice...we prepare...and we place ourselves across from our opponent and test our skills and knowledge against theirs'. And when the final buzzer is sounded, a winner is determined - as well as a loser.

But in our ever-evolving culture that is far more concerned with shielding our youth from pain rather than advancing their growth from failure, losing has become a "lost art."

The reality of losing to our younger generations is no longer viewed as an educational tool - it is now constructed as a weapon of victimization; since no one should be allowed to suffer the indignity of the pain that is a natural element found in loss. It has always struck me how losing has become a concept far closer associated with leprosy than with dignity. It is for this very reason that examining the reconfiguration of loss is as much about what is needed so as to rescind that perspective, as it is about how we ever established this canard in the first place.

The Self-Esteem Movement of the early 1980s created a brilliant psychological treatise that told us "who we are" is far more valuable than "what we accomplish." To these practitioners, in the end, it is the effort of trying that is more meaningful than any result could ever hold. What I don't believe that all of these psychologists ever envisioned is the destructive end-game their theory has come to establish. In their quest to "free" people from the harsh confines of the dualistic nature of competition, they by-passed the basic educational theory of trial and error. They believed with their genteel soft-sell of the human psyche, they would protect - and in turn strengthen - each individual (confidence found in compliments is far "safer" than confidence enacted from an individual's problem awareness and resolution.) Instead, the very thing they wanted to promote - value found in the act of simply being - has instead created a generation of individuals who can't even come close to handling adversity. Not to mention that with the demonization of loss/failure, people begin to distance themselves from defeat to such an extent that they have come to believe that they would not, or could not, be responsible (or capable) for such a negative outcome. Those psychoanalysts thought that by advancing the cause of self-esteem, we would (as a society) be better equipped to find and embrace success. Once again, in the Law of Unintended Consequences category, the act of removing the refining value of loss, failure, and struggle has only served to, in its place, define a generation (or two) of people as soft....enabled....entitled....victims.

What is now fully in play is our athletic culture being rife with competitors who are fully conditioned to completely exonerate themselves from any culpability or accountability when examining the losses they are part of. The examples of such a pervasive mindset are all over the competitive spectrum. Media outlets are more interested in examining how the losing team/coaches/players "blew" their opportunity for victory as opposed to defining how the winners shaped their own outcome.

No where does this farcical charade play out more pronounced than in our Youth and High School athletic teams. It is now as common as the sun setting in the west that losses at these levels of competition are always to be defined by some source of outside intervention. This foolish vision is now fully operational in the hands of the modern parent. It stands to reason that this problem has become even more prevalent and intense because this is the second generation in the cultural revolution of self-actualization. Most of these parents of today were the first recipients of the "Free Pass for Self-Esteem" movement. Now as parents themselves, they can continue to expand and develop a mentality of "External Referencing" for explaining every failure their child ever experiences.

Seasons end for these Youth and HS programs with parents looking for someone to blame for their child's pain and suffering brought about by the cruelness of defeat. Since their child is totally incapable of ever contributing to their team's downfall, it is now as sure as death and taxes that a coach must shoulder the full burden of the loss. Of course assigning blame is only the first step in the process. As each season ends in heartbreaking defeat, finger-pointing is simply not enough. All across this country, each and every day petitions are drawn and signatures gathered by bitter, angry, and delusional parents who want their child's coach to be replaced by someone - ANYONE - who is more capable of bringing joy and happiness to their offspring. And far too often, administration opens the door to this lunacy by even listening to the cacophony of narrow-minded parents who believe that with their version of social engineering, they can offer their child (and others on the team) a happy conclusion.

In the end, it is far more of a crippling lesson to their child than any loss/defeat/failure could ever be.

For you see, you can NEVER insulate another person from hurt....you will only isolate them from the strength that is often borne from the sting of defeat. Loss prepares us for victory far more meaningfully than artificially constructing the illusion of achievement.